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Cat Operating Manual

by Andreas Ramos, USA

Cat User's Manual

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester

Manufactured by MOMCAT

User Installation and Maintenance Documentation

Features:

• User Friendly
• Low Power CPU
• Self Portable Operation
• Dual Video and Audio Input
• Audio Output
• Auto Search Capability for Input Data
• Auto Search for Output Bin
• Auto Learn Program in ROM
• Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Full Power and Standby Mode
• Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
• Wide Operating Temperature Range
• Mouse Driven
• Self Cleaning

Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards.
MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.

Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production enviroment. The user may manually remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20° C (+/- 3° tolerance).Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transporation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output bin. If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT.
For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep (zzzz) mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be placed in direct sunlight.
If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal. A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in.
Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.

Applications: MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility.
Some of the better CAT games are:

CACHE

The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object code must be smaller.

MIRROR

Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

STRING

The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

JUMP

Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

CHASE

Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING

Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance: CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part.

Caution: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds.
Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE. In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Service Life: As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish. If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.
User Groups: CAT users can find other users on the net news group called rec.pets.cats.

Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.

Specifications:

• Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry).
• Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
• Memory = 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM. Upgrades available real soon now.
• Expected Lifetime = 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).
• Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
• Speed = 3 milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
• Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels.
• Sound Chip =16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
• Power Consumpution = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
• Operating Range = -30° to +45° C (-22° to 105°)
• Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This was not originally written by Andreas. Unfortunately the original author of ten years ago is unknown. Andreas has expanded it and has written much of it. Why don't you visit Andreas's Homepage, which includes the most recent update of this article?